The first issue of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's? newsletter
Greetings, everyone. I am a journalist named Brian Thompson, and if you are receiving this message it is because you or someone acting on your behalf subscribed to the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? newsletter.
In this first issue of said newsletter, I will provide a brief update on my upcoming Expedition to Alaska. As you are no doubt aware, several listeners such as yourself generously donated over $2,000.00 so that I might travel to the desolate volcanic island of Adak, Alaska, and excavate an abandoned McDonald’s frozen in time. I am pleased to announce that all my travel accommodations have been booked, and I will be leaving for the frozen wastes of the Arctic north in just a few weeks’ time.
However, my efforts were not met without resistance. To travel to Adak from my home in glamorous Los Angeles, California, requires a journey of two “legs”: One flight from Los Angeles International Airport to Anchorage, Alaska, and a second flight from Anchorage to Adak.
The flight from LAX to Anchorage is unremarkable and available for a reasonable price. This is, after all, a well-trafficked route among those Hollywood celebrities who travel to Alaska so that they may visit a Starbucks coffee shop without having to don a paparazzi-thwarting disguise such as a baseball cap and sunglasses.
The flight from Anchorage to Adak is not so well-traveled. Planes only arrive on the island twice a week, since only about 100 people live there. And many of those are fisherman who have evolved gills to breathe underwater, thus eliminating the need for air travel. As such, this “leg” of the journey promised to be quite expensive indeed. However, thanks to the remarkable information available on the Google.com service, I was able to determine that a significant savings could be had if one were to purchase the ticket to Adak by first purchasing “air miles” and then redeeming them for the flight.
If one were to purchase said ticket outright, it would cost upward of $1,200.00, but because this particular route is not very desirable to the average traveler, it is eligible to be booked via only about $740.00 worth of miles. I will pause a moment to allow you to mathematically determine exactly how much savings this represents.
A significant amount indeed, is it not? Unfortunately, when I attempted to purchase the miles necessary to book this flight, my credit card was rejected not once but twice for reasons that are so outside the realm of explicability that I feel I am not being hyperbolic to dub them inexplicable. I was certain the Powers That Be were once again up to their “dirty tricks” and attempting to buy themselves some time so that they might transport a bulldozer to Adak Island and destroy all evidence of the abandoned McDonald’s before my arrival.
However, it was simply a matter of my not having any money in my account on account of my roommate at the Young Men’s Christian Association, Mr. Skeeter Boyd, pulled a “prank” on me by taking my card in the middle of the night and using it to subscribe to several “meal in a box” services.
With that settled, I pawned my collection of collectible Willow figurines and purchased the necessary miles to redeem for my flight to Adak. Assuming no sinister forces decide to step in the middle of my proverbial path, my expedition will proceed presently.
And now, I would like to provide a simple recipe your whole family can enjoy.
2 cans (14-1/2 ounces each) diced tomatoes
2 cans (10-3/4 ounces each) condensed tomato soup, undiluted
2-1/2 cups water
1 package (3-1/2 ounces) sliced pepperoni, quartered
1 medium sweet red pepper, chopped
1 medium green pepper, chopped
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 teaspoon rubbed sage
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
Salt and pepper to taste
10 slices French bread, toasted
1-1/2 cups shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
In a Dutch oven, bring the tomatoes, soup and water to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Mash with a potato masher. Add the pepperoni, red and green peppers, mushrooms, garlic, sage, basil, oregano, salt and pepper. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until vegetables are tender.
Ladle into ovenproof bowls. Top each with a slice of bread and sprinkle with cheese. Broil 4 in. from the heat until cheese is melted and bubbly.