The third issue of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's? newsletter
I am still alive. Last week, I journeyed to the desolate volcanic island of Adak, Alaska, to investigate its abandoned McDonald’s. Despite mild-to-somewhat less mild weather conditions and prices for canned soup at the local store that topped out at well over five dollars per can, I have made it home safely. Many suggested my expedition would prove fruitless. Well, let me dispel that notion by assuring you that it was quite fruitFUL indeed.
In fact, I plucked so many “fruits” (metaphors for information) that I have quite a bit of work ahead of me before I can release my definitive report as a special episode of the program. In the meantime, I will be releasing various photographs and videos from my journey on Instagram and YouTube. I suggest you “keep an eye” on those accounts for updates.
I do not wish to “spoil” any of the many revelations that will be contained within my final report, but I can tell you that I made it off the island with an extremely precious artifact that I am in the process of insuring and securing. These efforts, combined with the hours of audio recordings I must pour over in the coming days, will severely tax my time. As such, I have already informed my roommate at the Young Men’s Christian Association, Mr. Skeeter Boyd, that I will be unable to attend our ritual Bingo night. He was disappointed to say the least, as we are Bingo partners. But after I explained both the importance of my work and the fact that Bingo does not need to be a team sport (just a single person can easily listen for the called numbers and mark the card with the dotter), I think he understood. He calmed down, at any rate.
And hopefully you, too, will understand why this newsletter is so brief.
Thank you for understanding.