Hello, everyone.

Apologies for the delay in sending this month’s edition of the Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s? Newsletter, but I decided to take some “me” time at the beginning of this month while I awaited the results of my background check for the purchase of an Airsoft non-lethal firearm for use as a pigeon deterrent.

During this time, I practiced “self care” by undertaking some investigations purely for recreational purposes and not at all related to my primary occupation of investigating why McDonald’s stopped serving pizza. One of the most intriguing involved a part of the world called the “Bermuda Triangle”, where it is said many strange disappearances have occurred. Untold numbers of boats and airplanes have traveled into the Bermuda Triangle never to be seen again.

I am somewhat of an expert in matters of disappearances, so I thought I might look into the situation and see how my expertise could be of some help. And I believe I have solved the case. If you study a map of the Bermuda Triangle very closely, you see that it is a vast expanse of open sea containing no land whatsoever. Confusingly, it does not even include the land of Bermuda.

And without any land, there can be no landmarks. Thus, it is my conclusion that those who wandered into the Bermuda Triangle never to return simply became lost, went mad from drinking sea water, suffered terrible injuries when battling with their travel companions in a series of “cannibal wars”, and finally perished attempting to swim to the ocean floor and petition for the aid of Poseidon or some other mythical god of the sea.

I have already notified the FBI and Interpol of my conclusions, and hopefully sometime soon a search and rescue team will drag the Bermuda Triangle to find the corpses of these poor, lost cannibals. I just hope they bring a map.

Moving on, this month is “shaping up” to be quite fruitful for my non-recreational investigation. My efforts to commemorate Mr. Willard Scott (the first Ronald McDonald’s) seem to be “paying off”. Plus, I plan to engage in an unprecedented taste testing effort to prove once and for all how well original recipe McDonald’s Pizza “stacks up” against more modern fare.

And, of course, I will celebrate the Halloween season in a way that is appropriately “spooky” and “ooky”.

Thank you.